The chilly wind is here. Do you crave for a warm breakfast these days? I know we do. This is one of my version of “oatmeal”. We hardly if ever have oats anymore. Generally over rated in nutrition value, I actually find ourselves become hungrier easily than eating a protein + fat rich breakfast. 
Since I have been making our almond +cashew milk blend on a weekly basis, we have pulp left over. This is perfect for using left over pulp. 
[yumprint-recipe id=’142′]
I had a mindful moment. It was a friday morning. On my list of things to do :
Then, Asher filled his wagon up with items and told me that he is bring me to the airport. “MUMMA! Come on! We are going away. Come away with me!”
Then he lead me upstairs. He asked me to sit down. Look out in the sky and said. “Let’s wait and look for the aeroplanes!” So we did just that. We listened to the wind, we saw the birds fly away. We noticed several cars driving about. We spoke about the blue sky and the clothes.
Then he smiled and went back to his toddler play. 
Those items were not completed (But most were), but what re played in my mind was MY toddler was teaching me how being in the moment is so precious. I hope that was his highlight too (and licking the spoon from making chocolate ganache)
This is a rich and dense cake! Not the double chocolate cake that I mention but certainly one worthy to indulge in from time to time. I like it better the next day- in fact, I nearly chuck my recipe out because I thought it was too dense. Still, I love how it came together in the end. 
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The luxury of breakfasts. What’s yours? We love our breakfasts in our household. Mine is usually boring- yogurt with my home made granola, or different variations of eggs + kimchi. For the guys in my household, it would be the same but with a variety of banana bread, buckwheat cracker with avocado and tomatoes, smoothie bowls and pancakes. On a Sunday, we may even have sausages, mushrooms, spinach and an egg.
I get excited when it is a long weekend. A chance to take my time to cook up something different. You could grate the sweet potato, but I just mashed some up, mix it with zucchini and egg. Pan fry it and serve it with poached egg. We are very lucky to have some gorgeous fresh ricotta cheese- that totally lift the fritters up.
Asher is nearly 3. With that comes language. His reasoning skills and bank of vocabulary have increased almost on a weekly basis. Here are some conversations we had recently 
Toddler Talk P3
Me: Sorry Asher. That’s enough milk. You can have water instead
Asher: “No! I want to cry instead.”
Dinner table
Asher: “are you happy?”
Me (Feeling frustrated with repeated attempts to get him to sit at the table): “NO asher, I’m upset because you are not sitting at the table finishing your dinner.”
(After a few seconds)
Asher: “Mummy! You are pretty! (Big smiles)
“Are you happy now?”
Me (with raised eyebrows): “Thank you for the compliment. But you still need to sit at the table and eat.”
Asher: “awwwwww” (cheeky smile on his face)
Daddy:” Ok asher, we have to share watermelon with mamma”
Asher: “OK! I share a big piece”
Daddy: “Thats good sharing!”
Asher: “Give mamma the big skin of watermelon!”
me: “Why did you wake last night?”
Asher: I wanted to see mummy”
Me: “But why? Was it a nightmare?”
Asher: “Because I like you mummy.”
Dinner time
Me: “That’s enough crackling. The last one is for daddy.”
Asher: “Can daddy share with me?”
Me: “There is only 1 left. If you have that, daddy won’t have anymore.”
Asher: “Mummy cut it in half. Then Asher and Daddy can have!.” 
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I have written about mindful play before. Just being present and attending to Asher settles in. He delights in the closeness and undivided attention. I’m struggle with it though, as there are some days that I just want to get things done. Given that Ash is now older, I can set timelines and inform him that I will play with him when a certain chore is complete or if he helps me out, it could be quicker (*disclaimer that it may not be but at least it involves him and he feels like he is helping).
Not just chores. There are days where emotionally I feel so drained that I almost feel like I have nothing else to give. Those days are warning signs as I pretty much feel like a zombie walking around. Asher usual “mummy, come play with me” elicit an irritation. Those days are usually associated with someone being sick, sleep deprivation or a combination of sickness, work and accepting too many responsibilities/appointments.
I have learned that for my personality type, my mind becomes overly stimulated and I need to be retreated back to quietness to still my brain. Not that easy when you have a toddler wanting your attention every minute!
So far, self care strategies is holding me. Looking forward to my quiet drive to work as I grab a coffee at my favourite deli. Heading off to a workout. Having a shower by myself. Even just making sure I have my essential oils with me. Eating well and trying to sleep in time.
And if all else fails, hand child to husband.
I have been loving making raw treats in my kitchen AND on top of that, utilising my growing essential oil collection with it. This one features one of my firm favourites at the beginning Wild Orange. The other reason why I adore this was because it uses gelatine which is grass fed and gut healing. Not the stuff we can grab from supermarkets baking shelves though. This one I bought from I Quit Sugar. I call it my Wild Orange Coconut Caramel Jelly Slice. 
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Would it be a surprise to you if I say that our food decisions are evolving? At certain points of my life, I have become strict- often having “good food” and “bad food”. I followed strictly to my meal plans, and had great success in achieving several goals. In the process, I discover that there is no such thing as good or bad food- it is food that your body can manage and feel good in.
Most people I know, would not say “I feel bad eating real food”. While I do have a bite of non-gluten, non-paleo and sugar filled, wheat filled desserts or meals here and there, I eat there being informed that they are for taste and enjoyment. Not health reasons. I still cringe when people think I’m restrictive or “am forever on a diet”. Is health diet a good enough reason? 
The other day, we went out for dinner. It was relaxing, I had a glass of sparkling and ate mostly the meat and vegetables. I had a few bites of a wonderful tasting goats cheese ball (deep fried of course and Asher finished MINE!), and perhaps one of the crispy cracker that went with the guacamole. Perhaps it was my body not being used to gluten, or there was something there that I reacted to- but boy for nearly a week did my gut suffered 😦 While it was not as bad as previously, I was feeling sluggish, together with feelings of bloated, with odd hunger but with no appetite. It seriously reminded me of my IBS days, but in a milder form. 
That totally reminded me of why we eat the way we do. I do not regret that dinner, it was a happy occasion and the food tasted wonderful. It did however, remind me that no one else need to judge about my health but me.
Did I ever mention that I like raw desserts? Oh yes. Must be a million times. This simple Matcha Goji Slice is very low in sugar, gluten free, paleo friendly, high in anti oxidants and tastes like home. Note to self- investing in good quality matcha is a must. I suspect that poorer quality oxidises even quicker. 
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People often appear shocked when they realise we do not have cereal or bread at home. What do we eat was the usual question. Food is always my answer.
The next shock factor is that my fridge is always stuffed with food. Except on Fridays. Then it is empty. I have boxes of snacks, and food prep often ready to eat or to be cooked. 
We don’t just eat sweets in our house though. The other evening, I spotted free range turkey mince on sale! SCORE! In the basket it went. Back at home, we enjoyed quick mince patty for dinner. Wrapped in fresh cos lettuce leaves from the farmer’s market. Asher even had some oven roasted sweet potato “fries” to go with his. Yes, we may not eat bread but that does not stop us from having “burgers” 🙂
Left overs made great breakfast.
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I had to face one of my fears the other weekend.
It was a kid’s party. I’m staring at tiny teddies, fairy bread, cordial, meat pies, iced cupcakes. Talk about gluten and sugar filled treats.
I breathe.
Then I say to myself that… “it’s ok. Asher will be fine.” And was appalled by my own judgement of party food-especially when I spoke about not having judgement previously. 
Asher got away with a small triangle of fairy bread and two tiny meat pies.
There were lollies in the goodie bag, but he only wanted the bubbles.
Then we ate lunch as a family at a cafe, where Asher tucked into a plate of roasted beetroot, potato, sweet potato, carrots, quinoa with almonds and even sneaked in some spinach leaves.
All will be ok.
I posted this on Instagram and it was re posted a few times. Totally a favourite in my household.
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When it comes to my self image, it is always a work in progress. You can read about what I wrote about self image, scales talk and food judgement in respective links. Over the past few months, I have more good days than bad. On those good days, I often am reminded by how far I have come and is respecting the process.
I accept that my body is mine and it is different. It has been through childhood obesity, and a fear of fitness. Some fears remain- I still struggle to participate in group sports games (although have actually attempted basketball and some form of soccer). I am the girl whose head just seem to attract any flying balls even when I am simply running OR standing minding my own business. I feel clumsy when I do any kind of coordination exercises. I still cannot do a high box jump- not a lack of ability but my brain and my legs just can’t seem to communicate, and any technical work on weights takes me ages to master. I can hardly skip, and Asher will probably learn how to cycle before I do. Heavy weights remain a challenge but I am getting better at it. 
So with that into consideration, I’m doing ok. I do not have the toned arms that I envisioned myself having or the clear 6 pack (it’s just hiding). I feel soft some days and tougher on others. Like a dear friend once mentioned- me feeling crapped about myself or saying I feel soft or my tummy seems less firm may indicate other issues such as digestive or immunity rather than my immediate fear of “going backwards”. In reality, the core of the issue is that I have an underlying fear that I will return to my previous self in no time.
My fear is not unjustified. Look at this news article recently. I think healthy weight itself can be a mystery. For most, the formula isn’t too complicated. I took the “Low fat and just cardio like crazy” route and lost 32 kgs the first round. It wasn’t sustainable but I did it. Then, the 2nd time I did it, I took the “Nourish, eat well and just move smartly” method. Worked for me too. Still, with my experimentation of not weighing myself did result in some weight gain, I had to learn how to dial back food.
The truth is, I may have to be careful for the rest of my life. However, I have embraced a few differences. I do not count calories anymore or keep a food diary. I try to eat well, and be kind to myself. The only “rules” I have is to always start with small bites, and avoid mainly gluten or refined sugar. If i do want to indulge in an extra coffee, I can. If I want to munch on a bliss ball, yes. I just stay away from processed food. I still cook most meals and move regularly.
One thing I did note though, and with hubby’s observation..is that since I have started hitting my own goals on chin ups, pull ups, turkish get ups and doing double jb squats… I stand taller. I’m less self conscious. There is something about going against what I thought I could not do previously that helped.
It will always be a journey of self. One that I’m learning not to rush it but respect the process.
Oh, and enjoy this bickie with my coffee. It’s crumbier and easy. Yes it has some coconut sugar in it. But hey, it’s all relative. 
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I haven’t done one of these posts in a while now. Documenting what I did with Asher in a day. I wrote about child led play back in June 2015! These days are getting rarer because I always seem to be busy. Busy with what? I wonder at times.
Monday
6:30am- I woke up. AMAZED that it is a sleep in!!
6:30-7:30: WOAH! Time to myself. Wash up, ate breakfast in silence. Catch up on emails, reading. Start to prepare broth for dinner.
7:30- Asher is awake! He greeted me with his messy hair and sleepy eyes. “Where is daddy?”
(Usually daddy greets him while I take the night routine).
7:30-8:30am: Brush his teeth, change his clothes, feed him breakfast (Apple pie he wanted. I made some a few days before and I’m saying yes to that because I made it just a few days ago), vacuum, mopped… Asher joined in with me, spraying my enjo mop, pushing the mop, putting away the cords of the vacuum.
8:30-9:30: Mummy’s guilt. I had to work. Settled Asher back to his breakfast, attempted to turn on music rather than tv but nope.. didn’t work. Tv it was.
09:40-09:40: Call time with daddy.
10-10:30- work time for me again. Asher started to play by himself. He checked in with me a few times. Started flipping and playing with newspapers near me.
10:30-11:30: I got off work. Asher and I went outside. We turned on some music. We traced our feet and decorated it. We draw buses and ambulances. I’m impressed. Asher has started to draw! We worked on our letters. Today was letter A and B. We said A was for Asher, Ambulance, Apples and Ants. We went hunting for ants around the garden. Then we did B. B for buses (and that was where it stopped). We saw that a lemon was ripen, and we picked that. We smelt the lemon. Took it in.
Then Asher wanted to make something.. so we made.. chocolate chip cookies! I followed this recipe again. He enjoyed whisking the egg up and mixing it all together. Best of all, he sneaked in a few of the sugar free chocolate in his mouth. While it bakes in the oven, I heated up our lunch
12- 12:30. Lunch time! He became distracted as the cookies were ready. Straight after lunch which was mushrooms, lamb roast and pumpkin…he ate 3 cookies…
12:30-2pm: We clean up. Then as I decided to tidy up the study room a little, Asher took his trains and played there with me. I put things away, and he wanted to do some colouring. As I picked up a pen, he changed his mind and wanted stickers instead. Alright then! So we pasted stickers. Looking at different shapes and colours.
He found his pair of safety scissors and we started practicing cutting. “open and close” He got the hang of it! We used a community news paper and started looking for transport vehicles. With my help, we cut 3 trains, 1 helicopters and 1 garbage truck out. He said we need to put it aside for daddy to see.
2-2:15pm: I started to wind him down. I said we can read but we need to pack up. So around the house we went. This time round, I was so proud of Asher. He “drove” all his vehicles back and “parked them”. I packed away his books. He allowed me to put his trains back to the play room.
2:15-2:30pm: We read on the couch. Snuggled together under a rug.
2:30pm: Nap time! Asher turned off the music. He caught a glimpse of chuggington on the tv as he pressed the wrong button. BUT! he allowed me to turn it off. He even commented that he turned it off.
3pm: Ok, finally he napped.
4ish: Awake. Cuddles. Drink of water. Snuggles. Light afternoon snack while daddy comes home.
So there we go. Documenting this may not mean anything to anyone but myself, but this was one successful day where we truly enjoyed each other company. Yes, it is not perfect as I needed to work. Still, any time with my toddler…. is precious.
Speaking of which, here is the recipe for my chocolate teddies. I’m collecting cookie cutters these days. This one was in a shopping centre in Malaysia. It was $2 for 2 cutters. I used the smaller one for this one. 
[yumprint-recipe id=’133′]
I have heard and known about the terrible 2s. While it is often viewed as the child being difficult, I looked it as if things just seem overwhelming for a 2-3 year old child. Plus, they are learning how to work the system. While we have beautiful days, we have not so good days too.
So it came no surprise that for the past few weeks or so, the word “no” or even when I do not use the word but it implied the same thing, tears followed. Logically I know. The frontal lobe is developing and this little person is suddenly faced with what it seems uncontrollable flood of emotions. That of course, is that it can sometimes come with impulsiveness. As a parent, all I can do is to recognise that, being present, set boundaries, pray that the penny will drop and keep going. Showing empathy can be a struggle, but often my “you are disappointed are you?” and “that’s frustrating” was followed by tears, and a burrow into my shoulders. Then a quiet “yeah…” with a gentle nod. I’m learning how to sit with it. To let him accept that we have all these feelings and that is ok. There are moments where I even say “You can cry it out”, and to my surprise, there are times when he would tell me “not ready mummy. I want to cry”. Oh what a sweetheart.
But it has a few magical moments too. Those “sorry mummy” and when I probe further it was “Asher did not listen”, or those spontaneous cuddles and “I love you very much Mama”. 
I have often commented to my friends that my relationship with God has deepen since being a parent. Why? Well, let’s just say the amount of times I pray now probably tripled or even quadruple pre Asher days. I count myself as patient but boy, I had to walk away a few times and come back. There was one day, where I had to literally remove myself as I could feel myself tipping over the edge. Soon though, Asher came, apologies were given, the talk was made and cuddles were given.
Just playing around with a few flavours here for a quick muffin snack. At one point, we went a tad crazy at the markets- coming home with way too many oranges. Now, you probably know that one of my favourite cake to make is orange. It’s too easy. Steam an orange and that provides both the moisture and sweetness to a cake. I don’t have to zest or juice either. Given that my time now is mainly to deal with temper tantrums, seeing the food processor in action is strangely calming….
I’m a big fan of adding vegetables to each meal. What’s the difference with a cake then? While we love herbs, I have only recently learned how to pair herbs with baked goods. This is one of my attempts. 
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Words That Nourish 