shopping.

had a great day out with mother. We went to expo and then headed to town. Considering that is my mother i am out with, it was to our surprise when we realised that it was already 4:30 pm when mother was looking at a bed sheet set in Tangs.

Anyway, G2000 hving a sale. Stock up on trousers and shirts. The feeling of hving grabbed a bargain feels so good… Yes. i am a cheapo at heart. What can i say?

Finished reading ‘Angels and Demons”. It got quite draggy towards the centre of the book. Cant Dan Brown get straight to his point? hrmph.

Oh. and of course, mother told me that she got “digital fortress”. In fact, it appeared that she bought “Da vinci code”, “angels n demons, and “digital fortress”. It reminded me of how we used to buy the same pair of shoes but in 2 different sizes. I guess we are mother and daughter afterall.

______________________________________________________________

Circumstances changed within the past 2 days. Being in singapore made me more nostalgic. Afterall, happier times were spent here. It doesnt help when i met up with him..and the strange pain can once again be felt. The words “I will fight for you” doesnt help as well.

He said the future will be different but even a simple regression exercise will show that the past predicts the future to a certain degree. And even if an outlier occur, it could be by chance. How much faith am i suppose to have. The conversation we had feels as if it was the past again. When he will make all those sweet promises and i naively believe… It makes me wonder if that is called faith?

1) I hv to remind myself the reasons why it happened

2) I hv to learn to accept the pain. And that pain will probably be part of my life frm now till the future.

3) DO i really want to face this for the rest of my life?

4) What makes this time any different frm the rest? We took a mth break earlier this year. Surely that is a big enough sign as well?

5) It confuses me when he said “it is because i dont want to lose you” when he already did. So if he doesnt want to lose me, so why didnt he worked with me for the past few years to save the situation?

walking paradox.

Yet that doesnt quite explain the pain i feel. Perhaps logic and pain dont go together. Then again, i aknowledge that it is normal. And eventually, it will just be part of me. The light is shinning throught the dark tunnel.

_________________________________________________________

The cd was lovely. I cant stop listening to it. Every song touched my heart.

____________________________________________________

Choices. Got to make them. Hv to make them. Rushing into anything will not do any good. I learned frm my past mistake- just ask someone asked me to learn from other ppl’s mistakes. Slow and steady.

going to do more mindless reading.

internet

the joys of technology.

I am finally connected to the rest of the world..through the internet. :p

oh yeah. and much faster than the one i hv in perth as well (since I hold the control in spore.. hahahaha).

Back for a week now, and not one day i am at home the whole day. Life is definitely different in Singapore when compared with Perth, where my piorities changed and suddenly, my organiser is filled with appointments. According to it, I will remain that busy for the next 2 weeks with the 3rd week relatively free (for now) and then another filled week.

No, i am not attempting to meet everyone in the short 7 weeks that i am in Singapore. However, I do like to spend as much time as possible with the close grp of friends that I have…and get in contact with a few friends that I have not been able to see or meet for ages (due to circumstances).

Ruth laughed and joked that she has to advance ‘book’ me just to go out with me…and perhaps even Velda mentioned that before as well. It is not because I do not want to go out spontenously and respond to whenever people ask me to… (and i do mean NO when i say NO.seriously). Ask benji, armand, ruth, peggy, hazlina and Jackson and people will probably know that i do respond to last minute appointments and enjoy it as well.

On the other end, if anyone knows me, will also know that as a planner, I like to meet up with my friends and give plenty of time for us to catch up and simply just to chill and relax. Given that i have so little time to spend with them, I like to maximise the time i spend with them and not rush off to another appointment, or make them feel rushed. Given my heavy schedule, it is the most i can do, that is to plan my time properly and to be genuinely prepared to meet people who I have not met for the past year.

And if i have to meet people for the first time, I remembered someone telling me that it is best to meet them alone and not with other friends. I agreed with that. While some might disagree and think it is dangerous, meeting in a crowded coffee place or restuarant will be probably the safest way to go around it. I like meeting people individually, as u get to know them more..and get more out of it. Meeting people for the first time will require advance arrangements as well i reckon.

No, i am not that inflexible when it comes to last min appointments. Just make sure i am not meeting u for the first time and if i say no, i do mean it. I have attended and even suggested last min outings many times.

Erm..u dont belive my schedule?

Monday- A friend arriving from overseas. Whole day out from 6:30am.

Tuesday- Lunch with stanley (to be confirmed). Meeting alan n co for dinner (to be confirmed as well). If not, i have a day free..which means i can spend more time at home with gran!!! or perhaps explore J8 with her..she hasnt explored it yet.

Wednesday- whole day reserved for Mum

Thursday- Morning gym with benji and ruth. if not meeting stan for lunch on tuesday, it will be this day. Late afternoon appointment with optician in the afternoon. Dinner at home

Friday- Sleep in for the morning.early celebration of gran’s birthday. Watchnight service. And i think i am suppose to help out with the Yammers (young adults..). Or at least attend it.

Saturday- Dim Sum breakie with dad. Day out with dad basically. collect spects. Wedding dinner at night.

Sunday-church. Lunch/afternoon date with zinnia, sam and ruth. Family dinner.Sending someone off as well.

Yes. very family, close buddies and church oriented schedule for this week. HEY. MUM took one week leave..and she ACTUALLY set aside a day to go out with me.. it is a wonderful change. No one will touch that wednesday. IT is a miracle..

I am sure things will come up last minute as well. It shld hopefully get more flexible after the next 2 weeks. Yeah. not forgetting, doing research in some of the nights (*sobsob* why oh why) and entering some data…..

It was great seeing everyone in church again. Rev Goh, Zinnia, Belicia, SK, Huiping, Stan…etc etc etc. A feeling that it is great to be home….

Not that i dont miss perth as well. :p In spore-miss perth. In perth-miss singapore.

Christmas

Yesterday, Ruth and i was caught in the Christmas crowd in orchard. MY goodness..the people..the smell..the mess…the perspiration..and whatever u can think of when u r stuck in the middle of the crowd with hundreds of ppl pushing behind you. The good news is.. Orchard Road was filled with ppl giving explanations and showing the true meaning of Christmas, which of coz is a good change frm Perth or Sydney where CHristmas means trees, santa claus and lights.. (oh yeah. and presents as well.) Pure commercial gimmick.

Well, the bright side is..i got ruth with me. We ended up singing to ourselves and just (sliently) pushing our way through. Ok..so because it is Christmas, no one thinks we are mad. Anyway, we seek refuge at Far East-which surprisingly isnt that crowded at all.

The night was spent at ruth’s place..meeting Peggy on our way back. How beautiful is it? To have that feeling of being with my 2 best friends/sisters again? I craved for their company, peg’s blurness-and really blur comments..with Ruth’s bubbly loud voice…the combi is to kill. :p

We sang..we drink..we praise the Lord..and most of all, we gave Thanks for His birth, HIs presence.. for WE ARE THE REASON (refer to ruth’s blog for lyrics.. :p) http://www.ruthierants.blogspot.com

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Well, this is what i was waiting for..to celebrate the birth of Christ with my 2 best friends/sisters. Us catching up, sharing, and the feeling that we r still as close as ever..even though we have not seen each other for nearly a year. How good can that be? The love, the spirit, the joy.

Back

Using the internet at Ruth’s place. Trying to set up an internet account at my place soon….

anyway, i’m back in Singapore. For those who want to contact me..find some way. HA. 😛 nah. jus give me a ring at home or something.. for my mobile no…Jon-ask benji. or i will contact u.

Ivy, my mobile is the same as the one i always had..if not.ask your sister.. 🙂

Went out with vel yesterday for some chicken rice.. we were so stuffed…

Today is coffee and durian day.. i know.the both doesnt go well together. But it is coffee in the afternoon and durian at night.

I cant read the flobber box thingie!! ARGH..

Leave me a msg at the comment page..if the flobber box still isnt working ppl..

Breathing singapore air. Hot humid air.

OH yeah. met this hot italian guy on the plane. Mhwaha.

*shrugs*

Good food from grandma again.. *smile*

Need to get back to gym… Overeating.

Still having mixed feelings being back. It is so nice to see the ppl that i yearn to see for the whole year in the airport as well. Yes. Ben, Eve, Ruth, Peg, gran and pa… (mum at home sleeping..then again, we had a good conversation last night. so that was cool).

TAke care ppl.

packing

Sent velda off just now.

Memories. Of her wearing her shoes in the car (late as usual), panicking, perfectionist streak showing.. :p

well well.. i am sure i will see more of her ya? (PS.. dont u dare forget me vel)

doing my own packing. Realised how much stuff i cleared away. Nothing much to bring back. Oops..time to go shopping in spore.

Feeling moody. down.

why?

Christmas Shopping

Wonder how does it feel to shop in spore for Christmas..all the crowds huh? The atmosphere in perth is pathetic. Alright..Morley was fine..but the rest.. nah.

Then again, i am biased coz i had such a great day in Morley yesterday.

Went to the city again today. Got all my christmas shopping done (at least i hope..think i missed out a couple).

Chalet frm 2nd-4th Jan. Date with vel on the 21st (together with my grandma and her mum). I think 2 of my friends r coming down frm KL on the 23rd. Looks like a busy hol again.

Not to mention i hv to do some work over summer… helen got excited today and said we hv stuff we can write up.

Freo tomorrow.

Right time wrong time

This is a reply to a comment made previously.

Right time or wrong time.

Well JL, unexpected things always happen whether you accept it or not. Much as i hate uncertainity, uncertainity isnt lways a bad thing. In fact, NO, u totally got my definition of ‘wrong time’ wrong. It is not about having set goals and things happening unexpectedly that will throw you off the goal… for taking things in the WHOLE CONTEXT (which of coz you missed the whole point on what i asked). wrong time being- how 2 person might be unprepared to stay in the r/s or it isnt working out or perhaps there are things beyond the 2 ppl control to be in a r/s. These things, for instance, means stuff like distance, personality clashes, parental objection.

What i am trying to say of course, in respect to r/s, the wrong time and the right time is solely on how the choices the 2 ppl made when they know each other better or in any event their choice in wanting to take the r/s further to the next step. Like i said, being in love is different from falling in love (and i do not mean the gushy feeling of coz..love is not just puppy love. Is abt mutual respect, deep understanding and perhaps a sort of feeling that u feel for that person, the level of sacrifices and ACTIONS you are willing to give up or do for that person). Having said that, please pardon the sparse definition of love (in a BGR r/s) coz the language itself is not sufficent to explain this phenomenon.

Even if you meet the greatest guy ever who love you. or the greatest girl for that matter, there are circumstances that made people make choices. A relationship is about TWO people. Not one contributing and the other following bindly. Is not just one person who is inputting and the other one being in his/her own little world, thinking that the partner will never leave him/her. So what if that person says all sort of sweet promises- that in the end, ACTIONS means more than words. Do not promise me things that one cannot accomplish. At least if something goes wrong (i.e. does not reach what the goal is) then for goodness sake, reflect on it and think how to improve on it and DONT SULK and do nothing (which unfortunatly i have seen ppl i am close to do it..complain and not move on and do something or just say alot and losing their goal halfway). Is sad really. Not to mention if there are only one person doing the leading and the other person following bindly… hrmph.. chances r, r/s is not going to work out (unless the person willing and blindly want to follow).

So drawing this back to the right time and wrong time arguement- Wrong time happens in a r/s when 2 ppl feel for each other but actions or both of them do not do enough to keep the r/s happening. Or perhaps, they CHOOSE not to let the r/s happen- because of events or perhaps FEELINGs and PLANS about others. Or in the event of the 2 ppl already in a r/s, wrong time meaning how 1 person doesnt hv a direction in what he/she wants in the r/s and life while the other person love or have feeings for that person, knows that it is better he/she leaves so that the person can find his/her own ground.

It is about the timing- e.g. whether if things happen unexpectedly and therefore you leave the r/s just because he doesnt fit into your plans? No. Is about the decisions and choices 2 ppl made for the best for either one person or for both parties. Btw, if there is one thing i learn in the past few years is that love always happen unexpectedly. If i have a goal to get my degree and just simply make use of my partner (or in this case, ex-partner) to get it, wow, i shld hv left him after my canning college cert man or maybe continue on just so to make use of the person for my masters course.. Is this case that simple? A matter of just because we broke up simply because he doesnt fit into my current plan? The answer is no. I think our breakup was far more complicated than anyone can imagine. We love(d) each other to the point where it was lost. Where he focused on himself, that he thought the whole r/s was abt himself n if he improve on himself means the r/s will work. is about us not him. As for myself, I grew tired and just simply listening to sweet words are not enough..i want to see ACTIONS-things that he say that he will actually DO. Perhaps i am not patient enough, then tell me if 4 years nearly 5 isnt long enough. That whatever i did, that r not openly shown to anyone is allowing ppl to blame me for not putting enough to the r/s? Alan knows clearly and know what i have done. Both of us put alot in the r/s and dont take things on the surface on what he did for me..and neglect to see what i did for him.

Why do i bother to say all these? I am moving on but the pain remains. is he the only one hurting? Just because I dont show it, that i go out with other ppl, that i laugh and joke and appears to be ok doesnt mean that inside i am not affected by these.

Although yes, i am moving on well and taking my time to get on with life. Appreciating me after it broke up just isnt good enough. Love itself will not make a relationship work. And no, dont leave me hinting gently to loudly to screaming and then say “it was only the begining of this year that i tried to ‘win’ you back” when we talked abt our problems 3 FREAKIN years ago.

Do i have high expectations in a r/s? 5 years ago-no. Now, i am wiser. Is no longer about gushy love. The person who wants me, the person who i will be in in another r/s.. will know that actions matters. Not sweet words. I am not the naive girl 5 years ago. To be in a r/s means to FIGHT for it. for both parties to work hard in it. Love doesnt come easy.

just a whole chuck of crap

Macquarie said my application was not processed because my final results isnt in yet. That uni got serious adminstration problems.

Murdoch University offered me a place in Masters. Finally. 🙂 Now the ironic thing will be that uni of mel acccepts me as well..mmm..

2 more years in Murdoch. Oh gosh, CL better not screw up another of my exams. Another 2 more years with DL, PD and possibly HD (no not high distinctions.. helen davis).

Or is it? well, see how the first year goes ya?

Be back in spore on the 20th of dec. Confirmed the flight already… getting ticket tomorrow. So peeps… i’m coming back… cant wait to see peg, ruth, benji, jon, gran, mother, pa, d, jia, yi, jacq..and the list continues…

The mystery train ride was ok… the ride there was good. the actors was good. the rest was crap (including the food and the mystery).

interviews

interestingly, macquarie did not invite me to an interview. Wonder is it becoz of the screwed up frm that international office?

The interviewers frm Uni of Mel r nice… very nice… BUT they informed me that there are only EIGHT places up for grabs this year because of staff shortage. Apparently there is this new program called the Masters of Clinical Psychology (International) where the 2nd year will be held in spore with the 1st year still in uni of mel. It doesnt help of coz when the head of clinical program in mel dont know if the supervisors in spore r approved by the APS. Dogy, but i said the Masters of clini psych in uni of mel will be my 1st choice anyway compared to the (international) one.

Murdoch interview.. not sure. DL said mine went well. It all depend on the rest of the applicants.

That’s it folks. I’m done with interviews this year. 😦 All in God’s hands (and the hands of the ppl who r processing mine.. Lord pls convince them to take me!)

PS I booked my flight on the 20th of Dec. But subject to change. will update.