It has been a strange start to the new year. For one, my mood appeared to be swinging high and low. I’m uncertain if it is the demanding year 2005, or the unrealistic expectations that I get rest during this holiday. I’m lucky, at least i get some little spots of quietness in the house occasionally, but not having a place to call my own in this house is getting into me.
For a few days, I was obsessed with my hair. It’s a bad hair cut, but really, not a big deal. It is better to have a bad haircut when you are 22 instead of 39. At least I know I’m REALLY not suited towards having a shorter hairstyle.
The hairstyle thing was getting into me so much that I felt really low. It’s very unlike of me. All my low esteem problems started flooding me again. I’m much better now, but that shook me up. I seemed to be irritated at everything and everyone. Finally, I managed to sit down this afternoon and finish the book “A Secret History”, I think that sort of quieten me down.
It is a feeling of being unheard. It’s like being there but not there at all. It’s the feeling of being torn, wanting to escape. A little restless even maybe. Sometimes I aknowledge that it is my fault to fill my diary in as much as possible-as if I do not know how to slow down. I remembered my classmate (who finished her PhD and the Masters program this year and is in her late 50s, early 60s) told me that she felt so hypocritical telling clients to have a balance lifestyle and practice stress management techniques when really, she didnt do it herself. As such, she felt lost upon finishing the Masters program.
I appreciate the silence alot more. It’s a gem. I’m reading again, particulary fiction books. It fills me, assists me to be silent and escape from the noisy world. When I read, it is just me and the characters in the book. When I read, there is a certain stillness and calmness that emerge. In the physiological sense, my heart rate went down (yup, i took it after i read) and nothing seem to exists but the book and I.
It’s a form of escape perhaps. It is also my timeout from the world. Between praying and reading, it almost feel like everyone wants to capture something from you. To be able to continue giving this year, I have to restore some part of myself.