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I learned…

1) That I can be assertive. To get things done in record time, one have to SAY or DO something to make it work. Also, being assertive does not mean I am hurting somebody’s feelings. I guess being time pressured means it pays to be firm. Being ‘nice’ doesnt mean I dont get things done. That was probably one of my biggest personal hurdle. Perhaps my patience levels dropped off(towards some people) after completing first year of postgrad……….

2) I do have the ability to put my work together. Those who know me since i was in primary school will know i am NO academic. I almost failed maths, chinese wasnt really my forte, science doesnt make sense to me and i suxed in physical education. The only subject I fell in love with was english literature. Sometimes, I looked back and wonder how did I get here today? By the grace of God, supportive parents, condusive environment, loving friends and to give myself a little credit, I worked hard for it. God put me here for a reason.. He gave me this chance and I want to use it fully. He knows I do not have the highest self-esteem but He placed me with friends who reminded me that I should give myself a chance. I’m not smart but I feel blessed.

3) That I do not always practice what I preached. I found out during my ‘sick days’ and 2 days ago that I do not function well without a busy schedule. Believe it or not, now that my timetable is less packed, I am trying to find activities to fill my day (to make it stressful). I really do have obessive compulsive tendancies! Well, ok, so i try to schedule in things that i might enjoy doing.. such as running by the river….. Anyway, Ben is here and I would like to bring him around Perth.. so he distracted me :p

I do have pleasurable activities to do.. but because they have been always at the bottom of my priority list, it feels weird doing them. Some of them include: completing my cross stitch that i bought 2 years ago, re-learn knitting again, bake more, new recipes, READ!!!!!

4) That I can settle down. Friends know that I questioned my ability to marry, have children or to find the ‘right guy’ in the past. I used task friends, “How do you know that he is THE ONE?” There was one point when I questioned the ability for me to feel “that way” towards another person again. I felt cheated, hurt, angry, upset…among the other 25 emotion words listed in my ‘nine irrational thoughts’ document with me now (i used that for my clients sometimes).

I do feel more settled now, perhaps more focused and ‘grown up’ (to quote v after last night’s conversation). After making a series of errors, I think i recognise what I need and want. What I want may not always be good for me, but what I need is necessary. Also, what God wants for me is more important than anything else.

My priorites changed this year but my heart didnt.

5) To keep challenging myself. After almost completing Year 1, i feel drain but at the same time, excited about what the new year entails. Next year will be external placements. I’m going to be working alongside with even more professionals!

6) That sometimes, I should recieve. Giving is a joy, but recieving can be joyous too. I listen to others but there are times I felt guilty for pouring out to a friend. Ruth reminded me that friendship is about giving and taking. Mr AR reminded me that relationships r about recieving and giving.

7) I can have put work down and have fun sometimes. When i say no work, i mean it. If not, I can say I did try hard!! When i say i want to spend time with you (i.e. God, friend, partner, family), my mind will be focused on you. One thing about learning the mindfulness technique is that i actually grasp the concept of being ‘in the moment’.

8) My english truely suxs.

9) Without my love ones supporting me, I would have fallen into heaps.

10) To be thick skinned- in asking questions.

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8 thoughts on “I learned…”

  1. or evidence that you need to spend more time proof reading.your thoughts are currently distorted by black and white thinking and self selected basis.:)

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  2. you don’t get distractions from me everyday.. so enjoy it while you can.. =PIt was fun reading all the “wrong” sms that I sent from your phone.. never knew I even sent some of those..

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  3. yeah. No easy way out =). Maybe that’s what shot my anxiety levels up- the black and white thinking. Obviously i need more exposure till the anxiety decrease and someone to do cognitive restructuring on me. Since i just signed on the dotted line, i have 2 more years of ‘exposure’- either I improve or i fall deeper. Wait and see. Anyone keen to take up the offer of cognitive restructuring me? to ben- i hv evidence that u sent those sms. U cant hide… So what do u want me to do with that toothbrush?

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  4. well… u can either keep it as a momento from me.. OR you can throw it in the bin like all used toothbrushes. Either that you can sterile it and trying using it again (which I don’t think so) And if you’re like me, when the thing is dry, use it to brush the dust off your mobile phone. So there, many many ways to handle that simple toothbrush. =P

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